my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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