I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
