Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
