Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
