took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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