My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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