Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
