toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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