Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
