I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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