1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
