oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
