we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
