a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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