I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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