thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
