She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
