woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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