No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
