I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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