Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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