the condom got lost in my hair
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
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