In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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