she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
