Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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