I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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