If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
