I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
