Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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