Moan for me like Helen Keller
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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