you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
