I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dignity is for republicans.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
