All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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