Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
