Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
