We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
