I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize