Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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