I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
