There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
