I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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