I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
