Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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