Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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