theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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