Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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