i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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