Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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