The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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