Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
