If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
