Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
