I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
