Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize