From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
