did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
