I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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