Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
