he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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