Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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