If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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