The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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