My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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