It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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